6 years on…

and I still wonder what would you be doing and where would you be. Would life be different?

***

6 years ago, on this very day, I was robbed off a close friend.

6 years ago, today, one of my closest friends passed on. He went swimming, and believed to get a cramp and drowned. He was pulled out of the water, given CPR but didn’t make it.

Coming to terms to his death was probably the hardest thing I have done in my entire life. I hated him, I was angry at him, I was cursing every single swear words possible, at him. Because he died. Things were supposed to be ideal when you were young. You hang out with your mates, be hip and cool, and get smashed together on occassions. Grow apart, exchange contact, meet up when you can and catch up on what’s been happening.

But at 16, I had to come to term that life was short, and I was made to discover the bitter aspects of life and learn to be wise.

For a while, I suffered in silence because it wasn’t the coolest thing to tell everyone your problems or, as I thought to be, crazy thoughts. What I struggled was, “What is the whole purpose to life?” If everyone lived to die, what the hell are we living for? I wasn’t depressed or suicidal, but I was questioning life.

I spent some time volunteering in the hope that I can at least do something good with my useless life.

I remember this very day, at the Children’s Cancer Ward, where we sang song and told stories. I looked at these kids and it struck me. All these kids, at the age of 3 months, 3 years, 5 years.. waiting to die. They did not choose to die but they had to.

When I came here to Australia and for the first time exposed to the world of youth suicide, it stirred up all that was in me.

Ryan did not choose to die, the kids with cancer did not choose to die but they had to! And these people, given the choice to live, they chose to die. And what we did as a society and a community was to allow these young people to choose to die. And so I decided, that here it is, my purpose, my passion.. to give these people the opportunity to change their own world, so they not only choose to live, but live a happier life.

Six year ago, I lose a huge part of me. I remember clearly the day I stood amongst the hundreds of people. I was standing right in front and Crystal was a few metres away from me in her sunnies and Ryan’s parents were to my right. I was there, with who, I don’t remember. We were in this cold room, with hundreds of families and friends all of whom have been touched by Ryan in a way or another, surrounding us. Some were inside the room and some observed from outside through the windows.

I remember the nun did his last prayer, and pressed a button which sent the coffin into a hole through the wall where he was to be reduced to ashes.

My friend, my best friend, my close friend, my brother is now gone. I remember thinking. Forever.

But slowly, I also learned that he wasn’t gone. When someone enters your life and touches you, they stay with you forever. Because the very essence of their presence, whether physically or not, has the power to move you and push you to do things you otherwise wouldn’t dare to. His presence speaks to me; whether or not it was physical, it didn’t matter. To push me out of my comfort zone and to dare to dream.

Ryan lives, and he lives in me, in all of us who remembers him today. He touches us in ways other people cannot imagine because both his presence and absence have changed us and transformed us to be whoever we are today. And whoever we are today is a legacy and proof that he lives or has lived.

Today I pay respect to the man who hurt me so bad, and to the man who make me who I am today.

Today I remember the very man who make me me, and taught me the most important lesson in life: life is fragile – things you don’t do today, you might not be able to do it anymore.

Today I honour the man who is one of the many reasons behind all that I have achieved and can achieve.

Today I pay tribute to the man who encouraged me to discover my passion and make my life fruitful.

Today I commemorate the man who was, who is my friend.

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And today, I miss my friend.

~ by ehon on November 13, 2008.